tori beth™

The sky is clear for the first time in years. Clouds have parted and so have the thought sof him. The feelings of inferiority and self-doubt have since been replaced; just like him. I stumbled upon a jem when I was crawling in the dirt. The smile that seems fixed upon my face was merely a prop back in the day, but now it is certified genuine. Jems sparkle, shine, and last, but boys like him, boys like dirt, get washed away in the rain. Now that the sun is shining, the dirt is srunching beneath my feet while the jem is twinkling so remarkably beautifully.

I used to be on the frontline, a guarded soldier fighting for her life. I kept my distance and lived through a facade. Made myself content with being a fletting thought on someone else's mind. I was so strong and concealed, hidden deep inside an underground bomb shelter. Safe and sound, until you came along. You caught my eye, and I couldn't look back. Now. I', gushing and transforming into a typical girl. No armor, just vulnerability. Tripping up on my tongue, blushing bright shades of red, and smiling like the sun. I feel stupified and dumbfounded, but you chuckle and gaze at me. I can't help but longingly stare back, hoping this spell doesn't fade.

I feel this pull, this current slowly creeping within the walls of my heart. And I'm speechlessly, helplessly awaiting a riptide to pull me head over heels. You're different because you're not translucent. You're complex and dynamic, so I keep guessing. I keep learning and striving to get inside your head while you charge at my heart. All too quickly I'm falling, and I can't read your mind like I could with the others. I'm hung up on the mystery; I have to figure you out. Let me in. Let me know what you feel, what you think. I'm a cornered Nancy Drew with a smile that you seem to adore. A smile you make oh so difficult to conceal. So seal my insanity with a goodnight kiss. If I smile in my sleep, I'm dreaming of you.

I'll wave goodbye and wish you well. I'll hope with all of my heart and soul that I'll see your plane land and you walk off of it in one piece. I'll write you letters to remind you of our childhood and innocent times. But I won't wait for you. I'm flooring the pedals of my heart and racing red lights. Forget what I said and, most importantly, what I did. Those days are long gone, Honey. This boy on the corner, he's got a clue. He knows I've got a lot to give. And he won't let go all that you gave up. I'm planning a speech for when you finally realize I'm the best thing you've come across. You could buy me the biggest, shiniest diamond and kneel in scalding lava, but it won't change a thing. Because I won't give up this peace and self-satisfaction for a fifth chance. I forgive you, but will you be able to forgive yourself?

Close your eyes and sleep tonight.

You don't know if

You'll wake up again, so

Close your eyes

Sleep tight tonight.

Dream sweetly of

Sunshine and freedom,

A day spent hopeful,

A night spent fearless.

Children, grab your guns.

They'll make you fight,

And steal,

And kill.

There is no love in those

Coal eyes.

There is no emotion in their

Hollow, black hearts.

You're invisible they say.

Invisible children that

No one can care for.

But they're wrong.

We're here.

We care.

Why can't we stop it?

I simply don't know.

Caring isn't enough.

Promises we made,

Contracts we've signed;

We must stop this.

You're not invisible

Anymore.

This calls for revolution,

This calls for action,

This calls for peace.

How many casualties are too many?

How long until they become

Invisible again?

I have embraced the art of smiling, and I am engrossed in my happiness. I never saw this beauty until you opened my eyes. Sunshine and a car ride in your passenger seat. Singing along with the radio, where the road goes, we don't know. Quite frankly, I can not care. With you by my side I can feel the world spin. I can hear the grass grow. Taste the passion and desire on my lips. Take my hand and drive for days. Let's get away, away from all the pressures and cares that plague us here. Darling, let's race the sunset all the way to the west coast and feel the Pacific Ocean crash against our flesh. Let's dance in the California moonlight like no one is watching. Let sleeping eyes envy us as we live our dreams. And when the sun crawls up and over the horizon, we shall sleep. For what we have right here, right now, is far too powerful for the rest of the world to witness. So, we selfishly keep it to ourselves, locked in our hearts, synchronized to the beat of our love. Nothing can break this. Nothing can break us.

I'm screaming at deaf people and flipping off the blind. Impenetrable apathy coated with smiles so plastic the sun makes them bubble. Twisting knives in the backs of kin, burning bridges made of dynamite wicks. Your prodigy sacrificed for the shallow shrew. Virgo to the flames, Sagittarius to the throne. When the apocalypse sets in and the feudal system falls to pieces, the serfs will vengefully rise to tear down the diamonds you're covered in, exposing the truths like plagues. Pray to the god you've driven me to abandon, rely on your faith to save you. There won't be a reply or safety net to fall on, just your sheer layer of kindness and beds of nails. The weight of your sins crush you like hurricane tidal waves bellowing from the depths of hell. Currents grab your soul like demons pulling you under, taking you where you belong. The flames will sweat out the fever of guilt as you drown in the remorse you never felt. All of your liquor-induced stupors and verbal abuse flash before your eyes: a parallel universe Northern Lights. I want you to feel every twang of pain I've felt over the past sixteen years. Shed every tear that has fallen from these eyes. But you won't have to. You don't have scars and scabs that never heal. And this is just something else you ungratefully overlook from your castle upon the mountaintop. I'd fade into the background, but this picture frame was never meant to fit me in it anyway.

The things that you said hang in the air and stick to me, like clothes on a humid day. I fight with the words you never said, and defend imaginary reasons as to why you never said them. Your tongue never swelled, your throat never closed. But the words never strayed past your lips; if, they ever even formed in your mind at all. My heart is in the past, but my body is in the now. I'm caught in a time warp that's tearing me to shreds, like a black hole. There's no sun, just clouds and rain. Yet there's a drought still, and it makes no sense. Precipitation and streams of tears should be enough to let the flowers grow. Darkness engrosses this world, and I'm afraid. Where are you to protect me?

Lying to myself

Living in the past

Trying to jump over roadblocks

Without success

 

There are no detours in a heartbreak.

 

I tried to hold back

The tears and resentment

But the pressure made me crazy

I got lost in your eyes

And mesmerized by your melodies

There was never any question

As to me falling for you

The only concern

Was how long it would take for you to

Reveal your true intentions

Now I'm stranded

On a deserted stretch of highway

With this jalopy in my chest

There's no Triple A for hearts

There's nowhere to go but forward

Unfortunately I'm in neutral

There are no detours in a heartbreak.

Sunday night dreams in black and white crushed by the monday morning sunrise. Waking from a slumber that wasn't meant to be broken like this, broken like a heart. Tears that fell last night have dried with my desires. Hope faded and fled like the mascara on my cheeks. The unfaithful ticking time bomb in your chest finally exploded taking me as a casuality. I tried to run, but the scars will forever show. I can't hide from this, but I can't accept it just yet. Not until you feel the excruciating pain that you put me through. Not until you walk through the scathing fires of hell unharmed. You won't walk away.

Swinging from the grapevine that which all those rumors were said. The grapes fell off long ago and were made into sour wine. The vine itself withered and serves no further purpose than a rope. Too bad your dignity's hanging from it now. Does it hurt to see me smile, knowing that you could never make my eyes twinkle like him? Does it sting to know that I think you're repulsive. Oh, baby. You had your chance, and you blew it before we even started. They say that love is a chemical reaction; you must have slipped something into my drinks. In retrospect, you weren't worth the time. I can't rewind the clocks, so just take my wasted time as a consolation prize. Walk away and don't look back, you won't like the picture of him and I anyway.

You held my hand and said that we would jump together. Little did I know that you had alterior motives. So I fell, head over heels, as you floated gently down by parachute. ANd I loved you dearly, idolized the man I fell for...until I hit the pavement. You eventually glided and landed safely on firm feet to make sure my pulse had faded. You covered up the evidence, called the cops, and faked some tears. The lie word suicide hung drearily in the air. You'll burn in hell; homicide doesn't sit so well with that god you believe in. I know you won't ever feel regret, guilt, or remorse. You'll look my mother dead in the eyes and lie about our "love" and my sanity. Oh, you slay me, baby. Karma will creep up to you one day. And I just hope that it's painful, torturous, but, most importantly, that you survive. Because the pain I wish for you is like a pulse: it only stops when you're dead.

The clock on the wall ticks slowly, mockingly as I lie in this bed. I'm too scared to fall asleep, too tired to stay awake, too pissed to move. The anger, tears, and resentment well up inside of me until I crack. Broken glass, broken skin, broken heart. Crimson drops crash to the floor while salty tears and mascara drench my cheeks. I'll sweep up the glass with these past few years. I burn the photographs and unscrew the bottle. I want to be numb to every possible human emotion ever felt or concocted. I desire to be void of awareness. I need apathy to engulf my heart and soul until nothing matters. I pass out on that bed where good-bye was never said, only insinuated by the cooled, dried sweat you left behind. You said "us" was a figment of my twisted imagination. Like a child, I believed in this fantasy life; I wished for you on a shooting star. I can't say that my wish didn't come true. But, ten minutes after years of waiting for you to realize that I am everything you could ever need is not what I had in mind. Goddamn it, could you really walk away in the middle of the night when I'm fast asleep and completely defenseless!? Here's to everything we never had.

In my heart, I've known all along, but I covered up the tears with cobwebs and past memories tucked into the back corner of an attic collecting dust. Everything burns and everyone gets burned once or twice. Love gets to everyone and leaves them all the same. This heart will escape this burning edifice to love another. This eyes will focus and set on another pair. These arms will hold someone else, and these lips will collide in a fury of passion with somebody new. I will be desired and loved; I will fall for and need someone other than you. Because I've been broken, not defeated. And, it was love, not you, who cracked me open and kicked me when I was down. I am strong, I will find love all over again. But, I won't make the same mistakes as last time; I have you to thank for that.

I should really be wasting my time on

Someone else

Wasting up the space inside my heart

For a loving smile

A friendly face

An innocent hug

Instead I put my heart in your red hands

 

I should really be wasting my time on

Something else

Something productive that will take me

Places I’ve always wanted to go

Something successful

Something that makes me happy

Instead I stay with you supposedly at my side

 

I should really be moving onto

Something else

Something fun and creative

Something worthwhile and meaningful

Something to complete

Who I truly am

Instead I mourn the only life I had, with you

 

I should have never gotten in this deep

Because when you left

I was left drowning

And I had no one to save me

The illusion of control is a desert mirage

And I should have something else

Instead I have nothing

Screaming like a banshee

Deep inside the

Caverns of my heart

Bleeding like daggers

Piercing my tender flesh

Black like your soul and

A lifetime smoker’s lung

Broken like the heart you

Failed to mend

Broken like vows and words

You spoke to me

Broken like my spirit

When I saw you with her

Broken like my hands from

Punching walls all night long

Broken like your taillights

Yeah, I took it out on your car

Broken like our love that you’ll

Beg for soon enough

Broken the silence that will

Shatter with my laughter when

You crawl back to me

Asking for forgiveness that

I will not grant you

Broken like us

Fortunately, I can fix myself.

Streaks on a canvas, and you call them art. Heartless lies told from cold, blue lips. Tongue on fire and spitting out flames. I'm drowning in this anguish that you have created. Man-made replicas erected in your dishonor. Your intentions shined through glass like laser beam aim at retinas. Aimed at me; but my eye sockets are hollow now. Still, I can see clearer than before, and I finally know who you are. You're that scared little boy who never got a chance at life or love. You're an akward teenager just starting high school. But, you shun the girl who makes you smile, and you beat her senseless with your defense mechanisms and twisted theories. You make her hate you, so that you will never find love. Too bad she can't forgive you.

This tired soul paints a portrait of misery,

The tale of a heart thrice scorned

Ran over by days long since forgotten

A misconception construed to sound true

Words twisted and burned like pages

Written by shaking hands and tear-filled eyes

Terror leaking into these ventricles and veins

Eroding artery walls, puncturing lungs

Salt stings my wounds when I look at you

Gazing upon a face I thought was appealing

A heart I thought that I once loved

This was long ago and only yesterday

Broken bones and fragile fate lies in your

Lying eyes; you can see everything

But you know nothing

You are glass, but I am the only one who

Truly knows you

I know that you’re scared, yet I am the one

Who loses everything I had,

Loses everything I could possibly want

When you walk away, but you’re scared

And I’m not sorry anymore.

Silhouette highlighted by moonlight

On a night as cold as your

Voice

As black as your

Heart

Moon controls the tide

You control me

There’s some degree of relativity

Or so I thought

Because the moon sets only to

Rise again

But you

You never came back

Yet even when you’re not

Visible, you got me

You got me so caught up I

Forget who I am

I forget to live

This tedious work does wonders for

My heart

The scars form tissue

And the bruises turn black

As black as your heart

As black as the sky

As black as the plague

After all, that’s what you are

A plague I’ve fallen

Victim to

You’re a frigid wind

On a mid-summer afternoon

You’re a shockwave

Through my brain

You’re a bullet

Lodged in my gut

I beg of you,

Just let me bleed alone

Try to walk in my shoes

With this heavy heart

Compressing my organs

Speed up our breathing

Just to change the subject

Throwing my faith

In front of a speeding train

Throwing my fate

Out onto the flames

The real battle begins

After the surrender

I’m waving my white flag

Appealing for your mercy

But you just look at me

With those jade eyes and

Lie